Så skete det

Jeg var advaret lidt på forhånd, om at det kunne blive tilfældet. Jeg havde bare aldrig troet, at det skulle være nu. Og slet ikke når jeg i forevejen ligger ned. Jeg er opsagt i min elskede praktikplads. Jeg er total knust. Jeg forstår dem godt fra deres synspunkt, men jeg har rigtig svært ved det og især, fordi jeg er indlagt og i forevejen har det af helvedes til. Da jeg modtog beskeden kunne jeg ikke tænke rationel på det. Jeg følte de svigtede mig på en eller anden måde. Jeg følte at jeg ikke havde brug for dette her lige nu. Omvendt kan jeg sagtens se det fra deres side, nu. Jeg forstår godt de ikke kan have en medarbejder de aldrig rigtig ved, hvor de har henne. Og om jeg nu kommer i dag eller om jeg endnu engang er nød til at melde fra. Så jeg forstår det fuldt ud, men det ændre ikke på hvor knust jeg er. Den arbejdsplads betyder rigtig for meget og har gjort rigtig meget for mig. De har haft forståelse, de har ventet på mig da jeg fik en diskusprolaps og jeg skulle genoptræne. Og så de gange, hvor jeg psykisk har været langt nede, så jeg ikke har magtet mit arbejde. Og så oveni det, da jeg kom retur der kunne jeg ikke arbejde på fuldt kraft.

Jeg har været utrolig ked af det, fordi den praktikplads bare betyder så meget for mig.

Jeg har haft mange tanker om selv skade i dag. Og jeg har lige været ærlig omkring dem, så jeg har fået frataget den blyant jeg havde fået, fordi en af mine strategier er at skrive ned, når jeg har det svært. Ligeså at hører musik og læse bog. Nu har jeg fået en bold og en anden terning lignende dims, hvor der er knapper og lignende på, så jeg kan prøve at bruge mine hænder til noget andet, når jeg får tankerne om at skade mig selv. Så jeg må prøve at se hvordan det fungere.

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