Indlagt

Så endte jeg med en indlæggelse søndag aften/nat. Jeg havde ringet til akut teamet og spurgt, om jeg måtte komme. Det måtte jeg gerne. Da jeg kom frem og vi havde snakket, så blev vi enige om at en indlæggelse vidst var bedre, så jeg skulle videre hen til vagtlægen, for at se hvad der blev sagt der. Var sikker på en blank afvisning ligesom sidste gang. Men denne gang blev jeg lyttet til og hun så min selv skade. Og så ringede hun til psykiatrisk afdeling, for at hører af om jeg kunne komme. Og denne gang var det ikke en afvisning. Jeg kom op på 3. etage – modtagelsen omkring klokken 22.30. Klokken 02 fik jeg mit sengetøj. Skulle overnatte i modtagelses værelset. Omkring klokken 2.45 gik alarmen og jeg fik noget af et chok. Jeg havde aldrig hørt alarmen før. Og så fandt jeg ud af at det desværre var det rum jeg skulle sove i, hvor de skulle ind og slukke alarmen, hvilket betød de skulle tænde lyset. Men jeg var jo heldigvis vågen, så det gjorde ikke så meget, men frygtede hvis alarmen gik efter jeg faldt i søvn. Heldigvis var det ikke tilfældet. Og jeg fik et par timers søvn.

Da jeg snakkede med lægen ville han egentlig udskrive mig, men skulle snakke med en ældre kollega. Og jeg fik så lov til, at blive en enkelt overnatning ovre på affektive lidelser senge afsnittet. Og det er så blevet i dag, hvor han egentlig mente jeg skulle udskrives, men hans kollega herovre er tilsyneladende ikke enig, for jeg er ikke blevet udskrevet endnu. Og der var heller ingen snak om dette. Der var snak om, at jeg skulle øges i min anti depressive medicin. Så lige nu venter jeg på, om hvad de bliver enige om. Der var også snak om, at daghospitalet desværre ikke umiddelbart kan lave den udredning, der skal til. Så jeg skal sandsynligvis udredes på cvu. Men nu må vi se. Det var der nemlig også snak om sidste gang, men det skete ikke.

Jeg har det ret svært med at være indlagt på samme afdeling igen, mest af alt fordi noget af det personale, som jeg følte jeg havde en god tilknytning til sidst, og som jeg åbnede mig op for mig har valgt praktisk talt at ignorer mig totalt. Jeg har ikke engang kunne få et hej til trods for jeg sagde hej. Jeg føler sq at de har et eller andet irritations moment over, at jeg er tilbage. Men det gør ondt, at man sidste gang kunne bruge dem så meget og virkelig åbne op for dem og at man så denne gang bare er luft. Og specielt, når jeg kan se andre tidligere patienter sagtens kan både snakke med dem og have dem som kontakt person den pågældende dag, hvor de er på arbejde. Jeg har indtil nu kun haft nye mennesker. Nogle som ikke har kendskab til mig ud over det, som de kan læse i mine papir. Og det giver jo ikke et reelt billede af hvem jeg egentlig er. Det gør mig ked af det. Og jeg bliver faktisk også ret frustreret over denne ligegyldighed over for mig, som jeg føler.

Jeg har lyst til selv skade heldigvis har jeg intet at gøre det med. Har dog forsøgt med en hårnål, ja det viser hvor desperat jeg er. Jeg ærgre mig over, at min pokkers ærlighed står i vejen for, at jeg kunne have haft en kniv, så jeg rent faktisk kunne få denne smerte som jeg føler indeni ud. Jeg er desperat. Overvejer at hente en kniv fra køkkenet af. Desværre er det almindeligt bestik, så den skærer ikke rigtigt, men den kan selvfølgelig give mig den smerte, som jeg føler jeg fortjener.

Ahhhh…. Giv mig et eller andet så jeg kan få denne forfærdelige smerte ud. Giv mig nu bare den pokkers kniv eller det barberblad, så jeg kan få lov til at smerte mig selv. Så jeg kan mærke smerten udenpå og ikke kun indeni.

27 meninger om “Indlagt”

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