Et fortvivlet liv

Dette er godt nok noget jeg har skrevet tilbage i 2017, men det er stadig lige så relevant.

Jeg tvivler på mig selv. Jeg tvivler på om jeg har værdi. Er jeg god nok? Betyder mine meninger og holdninger noget for andre? Har jeg egentlig egne meninger og holdninger eller skifter de lige så snart en kommer med en anden mening eller holdning?

Mine grænser er udfordret. Men jeg ved ikke hvordan jeg skal få det stoppet/sagt. Når jeg rent faktisk får sagt fra, så bliver det ikke taget alvorligt, fordi jeg får sat et smil på, som om at det jeg siger mener jeg alligevel ikke.

Jeg har aldrig været god til at sætte grænser andet end dem jeg sætter for mig selv, men dem er der til gengæld massere af.

Er der virkelig nogle der gider lytte til mig? Er der virkelig nogle der gider læse dette? Er der virkelig nogle der synes, at jeg har værdi? At jeg er god nok, nøjagtig som jeg er? – Hvordan det så end er.

Mit liv har været vendt op og ned af flere årsager/omgange.

Jeg er blevet mobbet i skolen.

Ydmyget og udnyttet derhjemme, men jeg blev set.

Jeg er blevet udøvet vold på. Blevet kørt på psykisk. Jeg er blevet udsat for overgreb af nogle, der skulle passe på mig. Specielt når nu jeg ikke kunne passe på mig selv, men jeg blev “set”.

Jeg har valgt mænd på samme parametre og dette ødelægger en, men jeg blev set. Man bliver kørt ned psykisk og man mister troen på, at man er god nok.

Man turde ikke rigtig tro på det bedre, selvom man inderligt ønsker det. Det kræver dobbelt så mange kræfter, at komme oven på, end det gør at være i det.

Man bliver tryg i det utrygge. At man aldrig kan forudsige næste “angreb”. Og føler man kun lige kan holde hovedet over vande, sådan som det er nu.

Alt hvad jeg har lært skal læres på en anden eller ny måde. At skulle starte med en ren tavle kræver mod, kræfter og ikke mindst en masse tårer. Men jeg har troen og håbet om det bedre, for mig selv og mine børn.

I skrivende stund, der ændrer mine drømme sig. Men det gør de vel igennem hele livet, når man begynder at opnå nogle af de drømme man har.

Mine drømme og håb er, at mine børn bliver til selvstændige, hjælpsomme og empatiske personer. Jeg håber da selvfølgelig meget mere for dem, men dette er noget af det jeg ønsker dem allermest. Mine håb og drømme for mig selv er, at jeg får bearbejdet alle fortidens spøgelser. Så jeg bliver en mere sikker og selvstændig kvinde, der tror på at hun også har noget, at tilbyde denne verden. Og ikke kun hendes tårer og usikre selv. Men jeg tror på, at når jeg har det godt og jeg har fundet min plads i livet og på arbejdsmarkedet, at så skal jeg nok vokse, min selvtillid blive større og tårerne forsvinde mere og mere. Og så skal jeg nok vise denne verden hvad jeg er gjort af.

Jeg vil gerne vise jer, at selvom at alt kan se sort ud, så skal man finde det, som giver en værdi. Det som gør at selvom at det er svært, at man så alligevel får kæmpet sig igennem. Jeg har haft meget modvind i mit liv, men mine børn er det der holder mig oppe. De er med til at skabe den sprække af lys, som gør at jeg fortsætter med at kæmpe, for at opfylde min drømme. Men det behøver jo ikke være sine børn. Det kan være sin hund, familie, venner, at gå en tur. Bare det at du gør noget for dig selv, som er godt for lige netop dig. Så er jeg sikker på at du finder din sprække af lys, når alt ser sort ud og du får dine drømme opfyldt.

34 meninger om “Et fortvivlet liv”

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