Mine børn og at lave selv skade

Jeg har haft mine børn på overnatning. Det har været rigtig hårdt, for at være ærlig. Ikke så meget det med at være sammen med dem, men det med at de ikke hører efter, når jeg siger noget til dem. Og så fordi, at jeg ikke har kunne selvskade. Det vil jeg ikke når de er her. Men det har været rigtig svært og har heller ikke helt kunne stå imod. Men jeg kæmper ikke mindst så længe de er her.

Jeg har nydt at hører dem trods deres uenigheder. Jeg har nydt at ligge ved siden af den mindste og kunne kigge på hende/ham, når jeg vågnede midt på natten.

Jeg har haft mange opvågninger i nat og tidlig morgen. Jeg overvejer om det er tid til snart at begynde på min sovemedicin igen. Men jeg vil jo gerne undgå at tage det, hvis jeg kan. Mest fordi jeg ikke vil være afhængig af en pille, for at jeg kan sove.

Jeg elsker at hører mine børn, dog kunne jeg godt undvære de skændtes, men de er vist som børn er flest. Herlige, uimodståelige, irriterende, man får lyst til at råbe af dem, fordi de ignorere en eller er fuldstændig ligeglade med hvad man siger. Men mest af alt er de mine væsner og jeg elsker dem ualmindelig højt og jeg kunne ikke undvære dem i mit liv.

Jeg har trang til at gøre skade på mig selv. Det kører rundt i mine tanker. Jeg har prøvet at stille mig selv det spørgsmål om, hvorfor det er jeg gør det. Og konklusionen er at jeg ikke helt præcis ved hvorfor. Jeg skulle aldrig være begyndt, for nu kan jeg ikke stoppe. Jeg skal bruge hjælp og det ved jeg. Jeg skal finde ud af hvorfor det fylder så meget i mine tanker. Jeg har kontakt med sygeplejersken og skal snart til samtale med lægen på daghospitalet.

Jeg fortalte det i går til sygeplejersken, hun havde forståelse, men nok også en undren. Og hun ville straks se om jeg kunne få en læge tid. Jeg håber det hjælper, men jeg har ærligt min tvivl. Ikke fordi jeg ikke vil hjælpes jeg ved bare ikke hvordan jeg skal hjælpes.

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