Godt nytår

Håber at I alle er kommet godt ind i det nye år. Her fejrede jeg nytåret med min ældste, nogle af mine søskende samt min mor og niece. Min yngste hyggede sig med sin far. Vi fik brugt dagen på at spise, spille, hygge os og ikke mindst på, at fyre lidt krudt af.

Jeg har haft de videste lyster til, at gøre ondt på mig selv. Og jeg er kommet mere og mere til at tænke på, om det er for at få opmærksomhed, for at folk kan se min smerte udenpå, som jeg føler inden i. Jeg har trang til, at gøre ondt på mig selv. Og trangen er efterhånden uimodståelig. Men jeg skal være sammen med mine børn imorgen, så har ikke lyst til, at blive indlagt. Men samtidig så føler jeg at jeg har brug for hjælp. Det er skræmmende. Og så ved jeg desuden også, af erfaring at de alligevel ikke tror på mig. Det oplevede jeg den dag, hvor jeg for første gang skar i mig selv. Det er skræmmende, at lægen ikke engang ville kigge på mig/det. De kendte mig inde på psykiatrisk, men da jeg ifølge dem havde en tid til dagen efter, hvilket jeg ikke havde og der var overbelægning, så kunne jeg få lov til at tage ned på akut tilbuddet, hvilket også var rigtig fint og var en god hjælp, men lige i det skete blev jeg vred over, at man kunne være så ligeglad, som jeg følte de var med mig.

Jeg har haft trang til, at skære i mig selv hele julen og det eneste, der har holdt mig tilbage er, at jeg skulle have mine børn og at jeg ikke ønskede mine børn og min mor skulle se mig have det så skidt. Men nøj, hvor har det været svært at holde mig tilbage.

9 meninger om “Godt nytår”

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