Julen var hård

Jeg har været så heldig, at have mine børn her i julen. Men skal blankt indrømme, at det har været hårdt, for den ene skulle knap kigge på den anden, før der var ballade. Og så har de fået spillekonsoller i julegave. De vil egentlig gerne spille sammen, men de kan ikke rigtig blive enige om måden, at gøre det på og så bliver den ene sur og går ud af spillet og den anden undre sig over hvorfor. Men de har nogle lunde løst det alligevel og uden for megen voksen indblanding. Og så gør senge tiden det nok heller ikke bedre, for de var trætte de dage de har været her, fordi de er kommet lige sent nok i søvn. Og det er jo min fejl.

Efter de er taget afsted har jeg haft det svært. Jeg har været ved min mor i en uges tid nu. Inden børnene kom, hvilket var ok, for jeg glædede mig jo til de skulle komme. Men her efter de er taget hjem synes jeg bare, der ærlig talt er lang tid til nytår.

Jeg har haft de sygeste tanker, om at skærer i mig selv. Egentlig ikke for at begå selvmord, men mere for at få mine frustrationer ud. Det er en dum ting jeg fik begyndt på, for frygter kun at trangen bliver værre. Men lige nu holder jeg den væk med at skrive på denne blog. Og på tanken om, at jeg ikke har lyst til at min mor skal se hvor meget jeg egentlig kæmper. Og så tanken om at jeg skal have den store her til nytår hjælper også på det. Men nøj, hvor jeg synes det frister. Og det har jeg det faktisk mega dårligt med, at det frister for at få frustrationer og smerten/trangen ud, når jeg ikke ved hvad jeg er frustreret over og hvorfor jeg føler denne form for smerte/trang.

Håber at I har haft en fantastisk jul allesammen. Og at I har nydt dagen med jeres kære.

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