Trigger warning!!

Jeg havde det rigtig skidt i går, så skidt at jeg prøvede at tage mit liv. For første gang nogle sinde endte jeg med at skære i mig selv. Jeg har førhen haft mange selvmords tanker og har det jævnligt, desværre. Men har én gang før forsøgt selvmord. Det er helt tilbage i 2004. Jeg ville ikke hjem til det jeg havde været vant til, så jeg følte jeg at den eneste måde jeg kunne råbe om hjælp på, det var at gøre noget drastisk. Jeg skrev breve. Og jeg fik sendt en sms- besked til min veninde, som så bad om hjælp. Jeg kom til lægen dagen efter og fortalte jeg aldrig gjorde det igen og så var samtalen nærmest slut og jeg fik lov til, at tage hjem igen.

I går blev jeg trigget af en svær dag. Jeg ved ikke præcis hvad der gjorde den ekstra svær, men jeg ønskede at få hjælp. Og da jeg så ikke kunne få hjælp, da jeg spurgte efter den blev mine tanker værre. Jeg skulle gøre noget drastisk, som får 15 år siden. Jeg satte mig ned med en kniv i hånden. Tankerne sværmede om, at jeg skulle skære i mig selv, så jeg kunne slippe væk fra det hele. Jeg skrev til nogle veninder, for at få hjælp og aflede mine tanker fra det jeg skulle til at gøre. Lige lidt hjalp det og jeg endte med at skære i mig selv. Heldigvis, så er det nogle utrolig sløve knive jeg tilsyneladende har, så jeg lavede kun overflade sår på mig selv. Jeg ringede til vagtlægen og min veninde kørte mig derhen, og gik med ind. Jeg er så glad for, at jeg havde en at støtte mig op af. Hun fortalte ligesom hvad der var sket og hvad jeg havde gjort. Lægen ringede til Viborg psykiatriske afdeling, for at hører om jeg kunne blive indlagt. Dette kunne ikke lade sig gøre og fordi jeg var kendt med selvmords tanker, men aldrig havde gjort virkelig alvor af det, så ville de ikke have mig. Jeg kunne tilbydes at komme ned til akut afdelingen i byen jeg bor. Dette takkede jeg ja til, selvom tankerne kredsede om at jeg var til besvær og lignende. Jeg havde min veninde med ind og vi snakkede kort om at jeg skulle blive og at de nok skulle fjerne alle knive. Dette var gjort på forhånd, så det var intet problem. Min veninde hentede mine ting og min medicin derhjemme og så lagde jeg mig ellers til, at sove bagefter. Jeg fik en kugledyne, som fik mig til, at falde til ro. Det var rart. Jeg har ikke sovet så godt i meget lang tid. Vågnede kun en enkelt gang omkring kl. 05 men faldt hurtigt i søvn igen – max 5 min. Normalt når jeg vågner, så ligger jeg i minimum 1 time og roder rundt og kan ikke finde ro igen. Kugledynen jeg sov med hjalp mig utrolig meget. Jeg fik ro.

Jeg overvejer om ikke det er en god idé at tage endnu en nat derhenne. Mest af alt for ikke at være alene, men samtidig også for at låne kugledynen. Ender dog med at tage hjem til ham, for at jeg ikke er alene. Og for at få den kærlighed og opmærksomhed jeg måske i virkeligheden higer efter, fordi ensomheden bare runger!

27 meninger om “Trigger warning!!”

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