Vi bliver hver eneste dag stillet over for en masse valg. I dag blev jeg for eksempel stillet over for valget, om jeg skulle tage hjem fra julefrokosten på daghospitalet eller om jeg skulle blive. I virkeligheden ville jeg nok være smuttet efter maden, for der havde jeg ikke længere en at snakke med. En jeg følte mig tryg ved. Men jeg udfordrede mig selv og tog valget , om at selvom der ikke rigtig var en tryg person op ad mig, så skulle det ikke hindre mig i at være med til jule banko. Jeg synes jo banko er meget sjovt og ville da gerne have haft flere plader, men det er nu sagen lige meget.
Jeg var tæt på, at gå hen til den sygeplejerske/personale jeg føler mig mest tryg ved og spørger, om ikke hun ville være sød og sætte sig ved siden af mig, for at jeg kunne føle mig tryg. Men jeg vil jo ikke være til besvær og ligeså heller ikke være den lille pige, der har brug for en at holde i hånden.
Jeg havde det rigtig svært, da flere og flere dukkede op, for at være med til julefrokosten. Og det gjorde det ikke nemmere efter gårsdagens besked, som fik mig til at græde imens jeg var der. – Jeg fik af vide i går at jeg ikke kunne loves, at min praktikplads stod åbent for kun 2 timers arbejde. Jeg er knus, for den praktikplads betyder så uendelig meget for mig. De har støttet mig, da jeg gik psykisk ned. De har virkelig gjort mange ting for mig og jeg er vokset så meget der.
Tilbage til det med valg, som vi tager hver dag. Jeg tager valget, om at stå ud af min seng om morgenen selvom jeg stort set ingen søvn har fået, fordi jeg vil noget med dagen og livet. Jeg vil vise verden at uanset hvor langt nede man kan være, så kan man blive stærkere af det. Jeg har haft nogle nedture efter jeg er kommet hjem fra psykiatrisk senge afsnit også en hvor jeg tænker jeg burde indlægges igen, men jeg kæmper hver dag. Ikke mindst for at komme ovenpå, men også for at vise at jeg er mere end hvad min psyke fortæller mig..
Fra min favoritbog lige nu: Lev i glæde af Ewa Forkélius:
Vov at opdage, hvad du vil med dit liv, hvordan du vil behandles, og hvad du vil gøre – og handl i overensstemmelse med det. Det handler ikke om, at du for enhver pris er nødt til at få tingene, som du vil have dem, eller at andre mennesker skal danse efter din pibe. Det handler om, at du skal turde erkende dine inderste drifter. Disse drifter omfatter også seksuel lyst. Samt det at lykkedes med det man sætter sig for. På vej mod målet opstår der som regel en hel del forhindringer eller undskyldninger, der sætter en kæp i hjulet. Det er vigtigt at forstå, at disse forhindringer kommer fra os selv. Hvis vi undlader at påtage os ansvar, projiceres problemet over på vores omgivelser. – “Men jeg befinder mig her, fordi jeg ét eller andet sted har valgt det. Det er min beslutning”. Du er ikke et offer for dine tanker, eftersom du selv har skabt dem og derfor selv kan vælge dem fra. De opleves rigtig nok som automatiske, men det er dig, der afgør, om du vil tro på dem eller ej. -“Jeg er fuldt ud i stand til at træffe valg og udrette store ting, hvis ikke det var for mine tanker”. I denne anerkendelse ligger der en enorm befrielse, befrielse for selv-angreb, eftersom det indebærer, at du atter bringer kraften ind i dit liv ved at se, at det er dig selv, der hindre dig.
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