Jeg er knust. Mit hjerte er knust. Jeg ved slet ikke hvor jeg skal gøre af mig selv. Han har været/er utro. For ja, vi er stadig gift, i hvert fald på papir.

Jeg hader mig selv for, at tro på at alt nok skal gå og at han vender tilbage, for er det virkelig det jeg ønsker? Mit hjerte siger ja, min fornuft siger nej. Jeg skal komme videre, nøjagtig ligesom ham. Hvorfor er de så fandens svær at give slip på en man selv har ønsket skilsmisse fra så længe? Jeg hader mig selv for, at have så mange følelser indblandet imens han er videre og iskold over for mig. Men det værste var helt sikkert at finde ud af at han er sammen med en anden. Det gør så pokkers ondt. Og jeg har sådan lyst til, at gøre skade på mig selv på alle tænkelige måder.

Hvad har jeg gjort for, at fortjene denne ulidelige smerte? Jeg magter ikke en skid andet end at tænke og tænke over hvad jeg har gjort siden jeg fortjener dette.

Finder jeg nogle sinde en ny kærlighed? Havde jeg forlængst fortjent bedre? Det er jo ikke første gang han er utro. Hvorfor har jeg holdt fast i ham, så længe? Hvorfor gør kærligheden så ondt? Kan jeg gøre det bedre end ham? Fortjener jeg kærlighed?

15 meninger om “Utroskab”

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