Efter sidste oplæg d. 28.04.20 prøvede jeg at tage livet af mig selv. Jeg kunne ikke rumme alle de tanker det hele medførte. Havde ellers en ok formiddag, men efter jeg fik skrevet oplægget begyndte tankerne bare og kredse om, at det var bedst jeg bare ikke var til mere. Både for mine drenge og for min mand (kommende x). Jeg magtede nok ikke konsekvenserne af, at skulle skilles, fordi til trods for at han siger noget andet, så ved jeg jo hvor hurtigt det går gør han får sig en ny kæreste. Og det er nok lige så meget det jeg er så bange for, for så mister jeg ham for alvor og det er simpelthen så hårdt at indse, at det er konsekvensen ved at ønske en skilsmisse.
Men jeg ved også hvor mange ting, der bliver bedre af at få den skilsmisse igennem. Blandt andet, så tror jeg det bliver nemmere at få mere samvær med mine drenge, for det er som om når jeg vælger min mand fra vælger jeg mine børn endnu mere til. Men jeg vælger også mig selv meget mere til. Og det er nok det der også skræmmer mig. Jeg vil pludselig være alene her i en “fremmede” by med kun få veninder. Men måske jo mere jeg lærer at tro på, at jeg godt kan jo mere vil andre “tiltrækkes”. Så jeg håber at min skilsmisse bliver et nyt kapitel, hvor jeg vælger mig selv endnu mere til og tror på, at jeg kan meget mere end det jeg i øjeblikket tror på jeg kan. Jeg ved at jeg har nogle der tror meget mere på mig, end jeg selv gør. Så det er “bare” at tro på det de siger, at jeg har massere at tilbyde andre.
Efter mit selvmordsforsøg blev jeg hentet af ambulancen og jeg skulle have aktiv kul og udpumpning. Det var ikke synderligt lækkert. Og kan forhåbentlig afholde mig fra, at forsøge igen. Jeg sov der en nat. Så kom jeg over på psyk, hvor jeg plejer at være og efter en dag blev jeg også udskrevet derfra. Jeg blev hentet af mine brødre. Og har været ved den ene og min svigerinde siden.
Jeg er lige kommet hjem i dag og har sovet det meste af dagen væk. Og føler mig stadig træt. Jeg har dog mange tanker om, at skade mig selv. Det er forfærdeligt, at de ikke bare kan forsvinde. Lige nu afleder jeg dem med musik og skrive her. Spørgsmålet er hvor længe de kan blive afledt. Jeg har ikke én eneste gang imens jeg har været ved min bror skåret i mig selv, men jeg har heller ikke rigtig haft muligheden for det, for han har været der stort set hele tiden. Og det er nok i virkeligheden meget godt, men det er svært at komme hjem og være alene igen.
Alle tankerne om at gøre skade på mig selv kører rundt i hovedet på mig, men jeg vil se om ikke jeg kan modstå tankerne. Eventuelt begynde at sortere nogle kasser, da jeg jo ikke ved om jeg ender med at skulle flytte. Og det ville være smart at få smidt alt det ud, som man alligevel ikke bruger. Eksempelvis det der står nede i min kælder, som jeg ikke har kigget på i snart 1,5 år. Det må jo ikke være ting jeg mangler, men jeg er samler og jeg har lidt på fornemmelsen af, at hvis det bliver fundet frem så har jeg helt sikkert “brug for det”. Det er forfærdeligt at have det sådan, men jeg har det ikke fra fremmede, min mor gemmer også på alt muligt lort, som ikke er nødvendigt.
Jeg håber og drømmer om, at jeg kan skille mig af med en masse ting og kun omgive mig med ting, som betyder allermest for mig, hvilket jeg egentlig gør i øjeblikket. Jeg tror dog, hvis jeg skal flytte at det bliver en noget mindre lejelighed, så jeg ved slet ikke hvordan jeg skal have alle mine ting, som jeg bare har fremme nu. Men nu må vi se hvad der sker. De har mellem 6 uger og 8 uger endnu til, at behandle min ansøgning. Jeg håber sådan at det lykkedes, så jeg kan omgive mig med andre mennesker og derved forhåbentlig undgå indlæggelser og selvskade samt selvmords forsøg. Men nu må vi se hvad det bliver til.
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