Svært at være mig i disse dage

Jeg har de sygeste tanker lige nu. De var der også i foregårs og i går aftes. Og det skal lige siges i foregårs var jeg ikke alene, så det var ikke det der tricket det. I virkeligheden tror jeg godt jeg ved hvad det er, der gør det så svært lige i øjeblikket. Det er at jeg har taget beslutningen om, at blive skilt. Og den beslutning tager hårdere på mig end jeg havde forventet. Og måske det har noget at gøre med hans reaktion. Han var sådan lidt, jamen hvis det er det du vil, så er det det vi gør. Og jeg havde forventet en reaktion med tårer, lovning om troskab og meget andet. Nøjagtig som jeg før har oplevet, når jeg har “truet” med skilsmisse. Det skal lige siges, at vi har været separeret før. Men denne gang skal vi skilles. Sådan for alvor. Og det er nok det der er så pisse hårdt, fordi der ikke kommer en egentlig reaktion. Som om han faktisk bare er skide ligeglad og som om, at det er noget han har ønsket længe. Men det ved jeg reelt ikke, men det er min forestilling.

Jeg forventede at mine ting ville blive smadret, når han fik det af vide. Denne gang har han sagt, at selvfølgelig må mine ting blive stående. At det ikke var noget problem. Og det er nok denne reaktion som jeg havde ønsket, men føler mig ambivalent, fordi at han ikke reagerer som forventet. Og det er jo sådan set kun rigtig godt, at han ikke gør det, for har en masse fotoudstyr hos ham. Og det ville jeg være ked af blev smadret. Jeg havde frygtet at jeg skulle have fat i politiet og så videre nøjagtig som jeg før hen er blevet rådet til, fordi han havde en tendens til, at tænde fuldstændig af og smadre ting. Men det er bare slet ikke den reaktion jeg får, så måske han har fået nok af mig, selvom han fortæller mig andet.

Jeg har det pisse hårdt ved, at det er som om han er ligeglad med mig på den måde, at der ingen reaktion er kommet, endnu. Måske det bliver anderledes, når han modtager den reelle skilsmisse begæring. Hvem ved?

Jeg håber at vi trods skilsmisse, at vi så stadig kan forblive venner. Og det har han lovet mig, at vi kan, men jeg ved også at han rigtig hurtigt finder en anden. Der tager jeg tid, for føler ikke jeg kan være sammen med nogle som helst anden, men jeg ved at skilsmisse er det bedste jeg kan gøre for os alle fire.

Puhh.. Tårerne presser på. Det er skide hårdt at skrive om det. Jeg ønsker ham jo kun alt det bedste og det er umiddelbart ikke at vi fortsætter et forhold, hvor jeg ikke kan stole på ham. Han har fortalt mig, at han gerne vil give mig et barn mere, men at han vil fraskrive sig alt. Det er fandme svært, for jeg har de sidste 10 år ikke ønsket andet end et barn mere med ham, men det er som om han ikke har villet. Og nu når jeg har sagt vi skal skilles, så er han pludselig villig til, at blive sæddonor for mig. Jeg tror dog ikke rigtigt på det før jeg ser det. Og desuden skal jeg ikke have et barn mere før, at jeg er helt oven på igen. Og ikke har været indlagt i minimum 6 måneder. Og at jeg er kommet i behandling, for min personlighedsforstyrrelse.

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