Skilsmisse

15 år! 15 år har jeg kendt min mand. Men dette ændre ikke på fakta, om at jeg vil skilles. Det er nok en af de sværeste beslutninger i mit liv, men jeg er nød til for én gang skyld, at tænke på mit eget bedste. Og det er at give delvis slip på ham. Han betyder alt i verden for mig, men jeg kan ikke stå og se på, når han endnu engang skriver med tøser og planlægger at være utro.

Jeg kan ikke holde til det mere. Han gør en masse rigtigt, og det er derfor jeg er blevet så længe, men jeg kan og vil ikke se på længere. Og føle mig så ligegyldig og trampet på, som da jeg fandt ud af han endnu engang planlagde at være utro. Jeg måtte selv tage ham i det ved hjælp af en veninde. Jeg forstår ikke hvorfor han ikke bare starter med at være ærlig over for mig og fortælle at han synes ikke forholdet fungere eller lignende. Jeg kan ikke ændre på noget jeg ikke ved han ønsker ændret. Men når jeg tænker mig om, så er der meget han vil have ændret og det burde hedde sig, at han må tage som jeg er. Han kender mig trods alt bedre end nogle som helst anden.

Han ved mine dybeste hemmeligheder. Han kender hvad jeg kan lide og ikke kan lide. Hvad jeg har af drømme om fremtiden. Hvilke musik jeg elsker at hører, ja han kender mig bedre end jeg selv ofte.

Jeg ved hvor hårdt det kommer til at blive, for jeg vil og kan ikke undvære ham helt i mit liv. Han har trods alt været der på den ene eller anden måde i næsten halvdelen af mit liv. Jeg ved det er for mit eget bedste, men jeg ved også at jeg når til et punkt, hvor jeg fortryder alt og ønsker ham tilbage. Jeg ved hvor meget han før har kæmpet for mig og lovet mig at ændre sig. Og man må sige jeg er stolt af ham, for han er ikke længere misbruger. Han er nået så langt i sit liv. Han er blevet afklaret og ved nu hvad resten af hans liv går ud på, at passe på sig selv. Og ligeså er jeg nødt til at passe på mig selv. Og det gør jeg nemmest ved ikke at skulle tænke på, om han nu er utro eller om hvem han nu skriver med. Jeg ved jeg ikke kommer til at slippe det helt før jeg selv er kommet videre. Men jeg vil gøre mit bedste for min egen og for mine drenges skyld.

Og lige netop derfor var planen en straks skilsmisse, men jeg er ikke sikker på jeg kan få det igennem, da han ikke vil skrive under på utroskab. Hvilket jeg egentlig godt kan forstå. Så nu må vi se om en straks skilsisse kan lade sig gøre eller om vi skal igennem de oblikatoriske 6 måneders seperation, som andre. Det må tiden vise, når jeg lige “finder” de 650 kroner, som det koster at blive skilt. Jo før jo bedre – det ved jeg bare med mig selv, for ellers fortryder jeg, hvilket jeg i processen også når til et punkt, hvor jeg fortryder. Jeg har været der før.

Så når den tid kommer, så skal jeg ind og læse dette oplæg igen, så jeg kan holde fast i beslutningen.

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