Breathe

Træk vejret dybt. Helt ned i maven og ud gennem munden. Jeg har været så frustreret og ked af det, at jeg har skulle huske mig selv på, at trække vejret ind gennem næsen og helt ned i maven. Bare for at få lidt ro på.

Jeg har været frustreret over, at jeg ikke føler at jeg får hjælp, men samtidig ved jeg heller ikke hvilke hjælp jeg har brug for. Det er så frustrerende, at bede om hjælp men at man ikke føler at man får det man har brug for.

Jeg kunne nok i virkeligheden godt trænge til et kæmpe kram. Jeg har hudhunger. Jeg mangler sådan mine kram fra mine børn, mine børns plejemor samt andre mennesker, som normalt ikke er bange for at give mig et kram. Jeg har dog fået et par kram af en veninde, hvilket har varmet helt vildt, men slet ikke dækket min hunger.

Jeg har været grædefærdig, fordi jeg har fundet ud af at min mand, som jeg har kæmpet for og ofret mig selv og mine børn for sandsynligvis har været utro. Ellers så har han planlagt det, hvis hun var frisk. Jeg ved dette, da det er min veninde han skriver med. Jeg fik hende til det efter jeg så en foruroligende besked på hans snap. Og jeg er en der skal have beviserne i hånden, før jeg tror på at det er rigtigt. Så derfor satte jeg en fælde op for ham og han er sprunget i med begge ben. Han har inviteret hende både med i bad, på jordbær og gåtur med vores hund. Jeg var knust da jeg hørte dette. Og jeg havde lyst til, at fortælle ham at jeg vidste hvad han havde gang i. Men som sagt så ved jeg, at jeg skal have konkrete beviser, for jeg ved han fortæller mig, at det bare er mig den er galt med – at jeg er psykotisk og hvad jeg ellers mere har hørt igennem vores 15 år sammen. Det er halvdelen cirka af mit liv jeg har brugt på en mand, som nok i virkeligheden aldrig har holdt pikken for sig selv, for at sige det rent ud.

Han er blevet taget i utroskab før. Der troede jeg heller ikke på det. Men da vi så midlertidigt gik fra hinanden flyttede han straks sammen med hende, for han vidste hun var villig til det. Men jeg tilgav ham endnu engang og lukkede ham ind i vores liv. Og jeg har på mange måder fortrudt, at jeg higer så meget efter det som jeg troede var kærlighed, nærhed og samhørighed, at det kostede mig det aller vigtigste jeg har – mine børn. Hvorfor har de ikke været nok for mig? Er det på grund af min opvækst, at jeg aldrig fik den positive opmærksomhed, at jeg hopper i med begge ben, så snart der er en der viser mig en smule omsorg?

Jeg håber at når jeg kommer til terapi, for at lærer om min sygdom at jeg så samtidig vokser personligt, så jeg virkelig kan tage ansvar for mig selv. Og hvem ved måske jeg kan få mine børn hjem permanent, hvis jeg tog mig sammen? Det er alt sammen spekulationer, men jeg håber på en fremtid med mig og mine børn i centrum.

27 meninger om “Breathe”

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