Endelig fik jeg svar på min IQ-test og heldigvis ligger jeg inden for normal området, så der var intet at være bekymret for. Jeg blev forsikret om, at den ingen forskel kunne gøre i forhold til samværet med mine børn. Og det var jo det jeg frygtede den kunne.
Jeg har haft det rigtig svært i over en uge nu. Jeg har været rigtig fyldt i hovedet. Har grædt bare man kiggede på mig og ikke mindst, så har jeg haft en følelse af, at have det rigtig skidt, psykisk. Så jeg har snakket en del med sygeplejersken på daghospitalet og fået af vide, at jeg skulle fortsætte med at kæmpe og bruge mine strategier. Hvilket jeg nu har gjort til hudløshed. Jeg ved ikke rigtig, om jeg synes det har hjulpet. For føler stadig, at jeg har det af helvedes til. Jeg har haft tre overnatninger på det sociale akut tilbud de har, men man kunne kun få tre dage, så endte med at tage direkte ned til min mor efter svaret på IQ-testen.
Og lige nu var planen at jeg egentlig skulle have været hjemme, men da det som de fleste ved blæser med orkanstyrke flere steder i landet har jeg simpelthen ikke turde kører hjem. Så nu håber jeg på, at kører i morgen tidlig.
De selv- skadende tanker har kørt på højtryk, men jeg har ikke handlet på dem i en lille uge. De er virkelig svære at håndtere og jeg kæmper virkelig, for at stå imod. Men opgiver snart, for de fylder alt for meget i mit hoved til at jeg kan blive ved med ikke, at handle på dem. Min krop og hjerne skriger på, at skade mig selv, så mit indre kan få en “stemme”. Jeg har det rigtig svært i tiden og jeg kan irritere mig vildt meget over, at jeg ikke kan sætte ord på disse følelser og hvorfor trangen til, at skade mig selv er så enorm. Jeg forbander mig selv, fordi jeg har det sådan. Men nogle gange endnu mere systemet, fordi de ikke kan hjælpe og fordi jeg ikke føler jeg kan sige til dem hvordan jeg har det. Nogle gange ville jeg ønske de kunne mærke det, som jeg mærker, for så kunne det være hjælpen var lidt nemmere at få.
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