Vred på mig selv

I morges gjorde jeg det igen. Meget voldsommere end før. Jeg har aldrig i mit liv selv skadet, så meget som jeg følte jeg “skulle” i morges.

Jeg hader mig selv for ikke at kunne sætte ord på den smerte jeg føler, den nødvendighed det er at gøre skade på mig selv, og ikke mindst forståelsen for hvorfor jeg føler det er så nødvendigt.

Jeg piner mig selv. Gør jeg det for, at få smerten ud, som jeg føler indeni? Gør jeg det for at få opmærksomhed? Gør jeg det fordi jeg ikke kan finde en anden måde, at beskrive den smerte, som jeg har? Gør jeg det bare fordi, at nu er det lidt blevet en vane til trods for, at jeg holdt mig fra det i cirka 1,5 uge – 14 dage? Jeg har så mange spørgsmål til mig selv, som jeg ikke har nogle anelse om hvordan jeg skal få svar på. Jeg prøver, at være nysgerrig på hvornår det er jeg føler trang til det. Hvilke situationer der eventuelt kan trick det til, at jeg synes jeg skal gøre det. Om det virkelig er for opmærksomhedens skyld.

Jeg føler mig elendig til mode, og jeg føler at det hjælper, at få den forbandet smerte ud, som jeg ikke kan sætte ord på. Jeg ville så gerne at jeg kunne bruge mine ord til at få smerten ud, men så længe jeg ikke kan finde ud af hvad det er der smerter mig sådan, så er det utrolig svært at sætte ord på.

Jeg ved ikke engang hvad jeg føler, når jeg gør det udover en form for tilfredshed. En form for frihed. Men dette er bare noget af det – det er jeg sikker på. Er sikker på, at der ligger meget mere bag den ubeskrivelige smerte, som jeg føler.

Hjælp mig! Jeg vil så gerne kunne forstå mig selv bedre. Jeg ved bare ikke hvordan.

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