Så røg jeg i igen

Øv, nu synes jeg ellers lige det gik så godt med ikke at selv skade. Havde ikke gjort det i næsten 14 dage og i dag røg jeg i igen. Jeg er træt af mig selv, for at være røget i. Jeg er til gengæld blevet nysgerrig på hvorfor det er jeg synes det hjælper. Jeg er ikke kommet frem til det helt vilde i forhold til hvorfor jeg gør det udover, at jeg synes den smerte jeg har indeni kommer ud. Men jeg kan ikke beskrive hvilke smerte og hvor den kommer fra. OG dette kan jeg godt irritere mig over. Jeg vil så gerne at den forsvinder, så jeg kan leve (et normalt liv uden selv skade).

Jeg er begyndt at blive generelt mere nysgerrig på de forskellige reaktioner jeg har i forskellige situationer. Får jeg noget ud af at reagere sådan? Får andre mere medlidenhed, hvis jeg gør sådan? Bliver folk mere medlidende, hvis jeg gør sådan? Hvad får jeg reelt ud af den reaktion jeg har? Der er specielt en reaktion, som jeg har haft så længe jeg husker og jeg er blevet vildt nysgerrig på, hvorfor den er der. Hvad jeg får ud af den og hvad andre tænker, når jeg reagere sådan? Jeg ville så gerne at den reaktion ikke kom, for jeg synes selv den er træls, den giver forkerte signaler og jeg kan ikke lade være med at tænke på dem jeg er overfor hvad mon ikke de tænker?

Jeg er blevet nysgerrig på mig selv. Hvad føler jeg? Hvorfor føler jeg sådan? Hvad gør mig glad? Hvad gør mig vred? Hvad gør mig ked af det? Hvorfor kan jeg ikke udtrykke mine holdninger og følelser uden at føle mig så utrolig forkert?

41 meninger om “Så røg jeg i igen”

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